Paper chasing at top speed

I have been busy busy busy! We have our homestudy meetings next week. I would have had them this week, but my husband rudely traveled out of town for business. Sadly, I can't control everyone else's schedules. I know I'm not the first paper-chasing adoptive parent to wish they could. "God's timing, not mine." becomes the mantra. In the meantime, I've stayed busy going to the doctor, handing out reference questionnaires, and sending away for vital documents. I received my first birth certificate back this week, and I was so excited. I've already been to the doctor twice (the TB test alone must be injected, then read two days later). I still have to go back once the blood results are in to get my notarized paperwork. I am grateful for my amazing doctor though. She takes a lot of time with her patients and really cares about them, plus she is Korean. I've written almost all the required letters and questionnaires for the dossier. I will soon run out of papers to chase, then it will be time to start notarizing and copying and saving. I have a good sized reading pile to work on (once I'm not distracted by the newest Evanovich book). Then I'm determined to learn some Mandarin. It's a real pity none of the Korean I've picked up from four or five years of drama watching will be of any use. But I'm pretty good with languages, so I feel like I can pick up at least a little bit -like twenty words - if I make it a priority. I think it's going to be a necessity after the update I got this week.

Yes, that's right, I got an update! It was actually just some follow up questions I had asked when we first decided on him, and there was some videos. I was kind of hit with a brick wall when I watched it. I was really excited and happy to receive video, but I had a panic attack when I watched the videos. All I could see were the unknowns and the worst case possibilities. He barely talked in the whole thing, and he was moving constantly. He smiled a few times and that was so cute. But all I could think was how much he is going to hate me. I got terrified again of that trip to China. How frightened is he going to be with what will be his third transition and these white people that don't speak his language. I sought advice from BTDT friends, doctors, and the social worker that visited him. Certainly, there are some real possibilities of vision being untreatable, of autism spectrum. I think he reminds me of Child #2 in some ways, and it makes me more afraid that he will have autistic traits.  I LOVE child #2, but life is so hard for him - with learning, with change and new things, with making friends. I started to doubt everything and I felt a weight on my chest. I had insecurity as a mother and a homeschooler. I told my husband that it felt like I was being attacked, and he said he was having those same feeling but about his job and place. I started looking at my kids this week and I realized we were having some spiritual attacks. Once I saw it, all my fears and insecurity were irrelevant. I still have trepidation, but my excitement is back. If God says he is meant for our family, then that means God says I am meant to love him. If he does turn out to have similar traits to Child #2, at least I already have some experience parenting that. If nothing else, I'm even more convinced I will need to put in more preparation. Knowing some Chinese could make all the difference in our first weeks together.

I'll leave you with my reading list, most were available at my local library:

• Wanting a Child, Needing a Son (almost finished, quite a dry read and some of it is outdated, but a good snapshot of Chinese adoption fifteen to twenty years ago)
• One Child - The Story of China's Most Radical Experiment (I'm looking forward to this one, it just came out this year)
• Wish You Happy Forever - What China's Orphans Taught Me About Moving Mountains (written by the founder of the Half the Sky Foundation)
• The Connected Child (by the amazing Karyn Purvis, should be required reading for adoptive parents, I skimmed it a few years ago and need to read it again)
• Parenting the Hurt Child - Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
• Fodor's China (and whatever other China culture and travel books I can get at my library)

If you have any good books or resources to add, please tell me!